I sometimes wish I had a digital recorder in my brain. The novels…volumes…that would be created would be infinite. I am one of those individuals whose brain never shuts off. There is always dialog…or at least music playing. I do not know true silence and it baffles me when I meet someone who does have that expanse of quiet. My thoughts range from observations of the immediate world around me, scenarios of the day, problem solving work challenges, maladaptive daydreaming and countless other topics. When one has so many thoughts, ideas, questions…it is common to think, is it just me?

That is where shame comes in. How many of you recoil at the very mention of that emotion? That deep seated feeling that our culture has an immediate response too….to bury it as fast as you can and throw away the shovel. I could not honestly attempt this self discovery without acknowledging shame first. It may actually be the driving force behind trying to slow my approach to 40. Even though I routinely teach social emotional learning, defining what shame is is not an easy task. I am currently reading Brené Browns’ book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”. Part of her research was defining shame in a way that would set the common language throughout her book. We may all define shame very differently and I would assume most of us have stories, just as Brené Brown discovered when asking others to define this emotion. The definition she used is as follows:

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection.”

Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough”. Avery Publishing.. P. 29.

She had two definitions within this chapter. The first was as above but stopped at the first sentence. This second definition included the added detail of shame in relation to women. As Brown (2007) stated, shame is not exclusive to women. Men have shame related to masculinity and society. However, since I am biologically female and also identify as female within the various communities I am in, this addition is appropriate.

So, how does this emotion that should not be named come into play now? For me, it plays out in thoughts that then shape my world view and how I fit…or in this case…do not fit:

• You are not good enough…
  • At work
  • In relationships
  • In life
• You have not completed anything worth while.
• You are not capable of being beautiful or strong.
• You cannot compare to others.
• You are unworthy…

Unworthy. Not enough. Incapable. If I have not been able to change those words at 40…how do I expect the next 40 years to look? Am I prepared for another four decades of mental anguish and torture? That is where the sensation of a cliff into the abyss comes from when I consider the day after I turn 40. There just is nothing left because I have yet to create anything of note.

In regards to this blog, I have no outline of posts nor do I know where I will end up. It is intended to be organic and fluid. There may very well be posts in the future that will contradict previous posts as I explore themes and ideas. I hope to confront the shame of topics and throw them out into the ether for others to consider.

The difficult ask…

Compassion. Something that will be very difficult for me is to show myself compassion. It will be quite easy to continue the cycle of shame when I explore my identity, however, that will not be in any way helpful.

I also ask that if you choose to follow on this journey, you show compassion not just for me but for yourself as well. I may touch on thoughts that you relate to or that you can relate to others. It is very easy to shift blame to save others…or yourself. I get that. I feel that. I live that. It is okay. You are okay.

That is my difficult ask.

For all of us…

Let us begin, shall we?