Recently I utilized my companies benefits and was able to talk with a local therapist for three one hour sessions. Based on my previous post, I was not in a positive place about my job or the direction I was going. Now…being in the profession that I am as well as one to frequently delve into my own experiences, thoughts, and perceptions, talking with a therapist is usually a comedic experience. When I am talking I typically “diagnosis” myself which ends up being stand up for the poor therapist who just gets to sit there and confirm my analysis. Daddy (really any parent/guardian) issues? Yes. Chronic and excessive stress? Yes. Lack of self confidence that results in major anxiety? Yes. So, if I can do all of that on my own, why would I need anyone else?

I am an introvert that lives in my own mind an exuberant amount of time. Although this is familiar, it can result in a echo chamber which provides little growth. As much as verbalizing to others is difficult for me, it is highly beneficial…and honestly, created a much needed change in direction I have been avoiding for a while now. Hearing those confirmations from my therapist is impactful. It’s validating. It’s terrifying. There are a lot of things you can say to yourself but many do not hold the needed weight than when someone says those words back to you. At the same time, I am hearing similar phrases from my best friend and my husband. For someone who spends her life focused on others and in her own head, hearing what someone else sees is a bit shocking. It’s a verbal mirror that you didn’t realize you had covered. What those three reflected was that I was in a very stressed state, in a system that was chewing me up and spitting me back out, and I was becoming less and less able to handle it.

Education as a whole is fucked. (American education system, specifically. I do not have the experience to comment on other countries systems.) The one I am embroiled in has spent the last ten years using me up without a inkling of changing its ways. If I was going to keep going in this profession, or really, keep my mental and physical health, I needed to leave that system. Again, all educational systems suck in this country, but they are still different unto themselves. So…I did something that I have been avoiding for a few years. I applied, interviewed, and accepted a job with a rival (opposing?) district. All within a week. While suffering from pneumonia, the most recent in a string of illnesses that I’ve been plagued with this year.

It was poetic in a way. I have never been as sick as I have been the past month. I was, and still am, literally drowning as I breathe and that was the last push I needed to leave a company I have spent my entire 30s with. It was a difficult decision. Not in regards to the company itself, but the schools I would leave behind. However, after making that decision, accepting that offer, and realizing that next school year will look different, breathing became a little easier.

The job itself is still brutal. However, I am hoping a change in venue will help combat the burnout and that the shift in demands will give my body a chance to heal. This may just have simply bought me some time. Perhaps this will be exactly what I am looking for. Or this is just the next step in my journey. Whatever it ends up being, for the first time in a long while, I’m looking forward to what comes next.