92 days sans social media. It has helped me reflect on what connection looks like in general and what connections I wish to put energy towards. Connection is a theme, a red thread, through my current development and what interactions look like in my future. I first disconnected simply for mental health. Dissociating, ruminating, comparing….none of it was healthy, and since I was already overloaded with stress, I could easily control that element. I will say that I have no intention of returning to it now. Why? Why when it is such a prevalent part of our culture? Not just in American culture but internationally. It is how individuals, companies, entities, and “anyone who is anyone” communicates their thoughts to the world and reaches a mass audience.

Intention.

It comes down to intention. One can argue that business plans catering to social media are intentional. That is very true. For me, when I say intention, I look at the energy and reasoning behind why I would connect with someone. This blog for instance is a form of social media. However, what I put out into the ether is intentional. One, it is a way to process my thoughts and journey. Two, it is with the hope that my words connect with someone on a deeper level than something with 280 characters. It has nothing to do if we went to high school together, met through someone else, or are currently or once worked together. I have intentionally not sent this blog out in mass. Those who find it, find it on their own. Our paths cross naturally.

I have finite energy to give to someone fully. Growing up, I would give to everyone and not seek, nor expect, anything in return. I did not realize until recently that the reason my walls are so high and thick now is also protecting what energy I have. I can give a great deal, but it also takes great energy to be vulnerable. With this realization, I also am shifting away from giving everyone everything. This does not feel good. Not due to it being a bad choice, but due to being drastically different. It is a stark fork in the road between my core identity and who I am becoming. I keep looking back at that signpost and the well-groomed path that I am veering from. Though that path is familiar, I will gain more from the one I am forging.

Although this next section is focused on Stray Kids, it is more as using the fandom as a medium for discovering what connections matter to me. Due to the sheer amount of…well…stuff…that is out there for this group, being a Stay is almost an accelerated course on what is important to me and what is not. As someone who was born in the 80s, I am still adjusting to the the wealth of media that is available for any one topic. In the case of Stray Kids, there is a combination of what is officially presented by their company/them and what is produced in an abundant amount by Stays. We are talking if I sat down and watched everything out there I would never be able to catch up. Ever. It grows exponentially by the hour.

Now. Looking at the human relationship piece of what this is, I go back to parasocial relationships. If you do not know what that is, feel free to reference my previous blog, There Is A Term For That. There is research out there on the impacts of parasocial relationships on fans and how typically it is considered a positive. Me, being me, I wanted to know what the impact of this is on the celebrity. Of course, there isn’t research. In reality the sample size is rather small…

Visually, I see any fandom like a flock of birds. The type that fly in mass but move as one through the sky. When you watch this phenomena, you are really looking at the mass, the fandom, rather than any one individual bird. I suspect for an idol, wherever the mass or flock moves will influence heavily what and where that idol puts their energy. It is never and can never be one fan or bird. Considering most Korean idols start their training in their very early teens, this has to have a significant impact on their development. Yes…I am the one who is constantly worrying about others mental health, if they are doing well physically, and what their future holds should their status of an idol ends for whatever reason.

**Side note…JYP Entertainment…if you do not have psychologists available for your idols, trainees, and staff…you really should. Consider it not only an investment for your idols but a progressive trait of leadership in Korean culture/entertainment. Happy to help in that area…just saying.

Coming back to connection, as I mentioned above, I am constantly thinking about the person more so than their status or persona. In this particular fandom, you can become easily lost within the sea of information available. Considering how much is generated with love by Stays, a majority of it is not authentic to the members of Stray Kids. What I mean by this is that what is out there is not directly from Bang Chan or Han or any of the other six. It is created through a filter by Stays or by their company. That is the whole point, right? To create a persona that is appealing to enough people that those individuals will become Stays and continue to support Stray Kids for years to come.

On a much smaller level, looking back on my own development and what I put out into the world, my identity was heavily influenced by others. Now, about to enter my 40s, I am only just starting to really process who I am without everyone else. That also means how I wish to engage with others. In the case of the Stay fandom, over all the fandom is overwhelming for me. I will say that it is one of the most positive fandom’s I am aware of, however, it can pull you in and take away from the authentic connection. In the nature of a parasocial relationship there are no authentic connections. It just is not what happens in this type of situation. I will state that Stray Kids do genuinely care about Stays, but remember…flock of birds. However, it has helped me realize how I want to interact with others. I sincerely care for other people. However, I can only exude so much energy without that care being returned directly. I realize now, that this two way exchange is important to me.

When it comes to Stray Kids and being a Stay, I know my boundary. I am incredibly proud of them both as a group and as individuals. (Yes, you can be proud of other people, including those you do not know personally…). I do not interact with them beyond Bubble and the occasional JYP fan page post where even though I am in that flock of birds and ultimately invisible individually, I can at least authentically respond. I drastically limit my intake of information to small updates from their company (and when I learn Korean I will be able to better understand their own words). I do this, because although I am interested and invested in their progress as Stray Kids, I cannot ignore them as individuals nor how much energy I wish to extend to someone I do not personally know. Would I be there if they ever needed something? Most likely. Would I be interested in learning about who they are outside of their personas? Of course. Would I listen as they vent or process about what is going on in their lives? Most definitely. That is who I am as a person. With the likely hood of that happening miniscule, I do not dwell upon it.

With all this said, I look now to the relationships I have in my life. My best friend recently said to me that my walls are slowly coming down. I will preface this by saying we have known each other for 6ish years. My walls are ALMOST down. Those suckers are thick…we joked that they now resemble those Japanese shoji screens that are made of paper and she can see my silhouette. What I did not mention to her was that I thought they were down. I did not realize that what I thought was an unobstructed view was a two way mirror. I could see clearly but she could not. That is what happens when you live in a paradigm for so long. You think you may be out of it only to realize your aren’t. Not really.

My relationship with my best friend is one where, considering we are adults and have to…*gag*…adult…we actually do not see each other in person often. Almost the entirety of our relationship is based on verbal communication (text and even talking…she is one of the very few I would actually answer the phone if she called). When we do see each other I become exuberantly happy. I could be having the worst day but seeing her makes all the difference. I love her. For those who only see love as romantic, may I direct you to the seven types of love. Beyond just platonic, i.e. friendship, I see our relationship as both philia and ludus.

Philia –

“This is the love of friendship. Philia is characterized by deep friendship—one that is founded on mutual goodness and understanding. According to Plato, the best type of love is philia because it is trusting and dependable. It may transform into Eros over time but can also exist on its own. Friends who experience philia act as confidants and have a lot of insight into one other. According to the University of Utah Health, philia is an “accepting love of good friendship”.

Ludus –

“Ludus is about enjoying the moment. It is playful love. It can be confused for eros which is often the case with unrequited love, but it is strictly platonic like philia. Ludus is casual, fun, and can be long lasting. Ludus requires time to grow and mature; it is a continuance of philia beyond the initial friendship stage.”

What are the different types of love? BetterHelp. (n.d.). Retrieved March 31, 2023, from https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/what-are-the-different-types-of-love/

This is a huge step for me as a person who has lived a life without allowing people in. Although there is an underlining emotion of fear of expressing and experiencing this type of love, I would not give it up for the world.

That. That is the connection I wish to have in my life and will direct my energy towards. It is the level of importance and value that holds the meaning I have been missing. And…arrogantly…deserve.