There was an intention to have a few more posts before the day…however, both sudden, unplanned, and planned events needed my time and energy more. Unexpectedly, these events juxtaposed and highlighted the ebbs and flows of life.

The following is an attempt to wrap my mind around what occurred. Details reviewed are already public. It should be noted that I am not part of the Native community and can only perceive the events from my own perspective and experiences.

On April 15th, a Saturday, I received a call from my supervisor. I half debated not answering as it was the weekend. When I did answer, he explained that there had been a homicide of a 16-year-old student in one of the communities that I serve. One of my fellow school psychologists and I were to report to the school that Monday for crisis response. This community is part of many Native reservations with thick, painful, histories across our country. Although I have been serving the schools in this community for four years, I am not a part of it. Nor do I ever expect to be. For the next week and a half, we provided support and counsel to school staff and administration. Although we were available for students, the reality is they would not, nor are expected to, talk to outsiders. So instead, we were there to support those who the students would talk with. We listened to their fury, their sorrow, their grief, and their random stresses which allowed them room to grieve. We participated in groups with Native elders telling stories and speaking to the youth. We were present during the wake, keeping a caring eye on some of the youth and staff we were most worried about. And we were present on the day following, where the energy had shifted once more. Denial…anger…bargaining…depression…

anger…

…anger…

……anger……

The one and only time I met the student lost was saying my silent prayers over her casket. Adorned with the last attire she will ever wear, the cries and murmurs of the community and families echoed in the school gym, and the smell of sage permeated the air. At the end of that week and a half, we could walk away, knowing all we could do was attempt to show there were those outside of the community who cared and to support those who were in a place to accept it. But in the end, we were able to leave while so many were not and were trapped in the vicious cycle of anger generations deep.

I am in no place to judge, to state what needs to happen, or spew advice or words of wisdom. I am an outsider who can only be there in a moment, do my best, and be available. I can say that for me, as a crisis response worker in this moment, it has taken weeks to try to process and move on from this event. No one should lose their life as this 16-year-old had. Her spirit was felt through every member of her community and I can only hope for healing from those she touched.

A flip of the coin reveals another side of life. One more joyous. One filled with hope and future possibilities. The joining of two individuals into one.

Having the absolute honor to officiate over my best friends wedding was a rare gift. Our relationship has been filled with growth on so many levels and to be able to accent that journey with such an event was humbling.

Arriving at the venue, I was honestly shocked at how many people were there to assist in setting up. I was fortunate to have my own family and wedding party there to assist with mine, but hers almost felt like the entire guest list was present! It took a village to transform the space into a eucalyptus dream. Cascading florals, twinkling lights, all the peace of a forest wonderland, and the pure joy and humor an event such as this should have. It took two full days to create this world, but truly, it was the love and devotion of their found and blood family that truly made this moment.

As with only the most precious of events, it was pouring rain. Despite that, the nuptials were shared overlooking a lake, witnessed by friends and family, and eventually blessed by a double rainbow as the sun set. I had to contain my own tears as her soon to be wife took my cue to turn and see my best friend, her future wife, walk down the aisle. There was laughter, tears, and several pages skipped as the rain poured. Words from their hearts culminating in possibly the best surprise I have ever been a part of…announcing their shared last name. A detail that had yet to be determined, but the look of pure shock and utter joy on my best friends wife’s face will be engraved in my memory for decades to come.

The remainder of the evening was spent anticipating needs and sitting back to watch the exuberance of the guests celebrate such a moment. It made me realize that no set age defines how your journey will play out. Both brides are older and wiser than I and yet age did not define them or this moment. A community coming together to not only celebrate these two women, but the dozens of individual journeys that led all of us to that moment. It truly was an expression of connections we all share in life.

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This expected and anticipated event was one I welcomed as it would occur on the day directly after my birthday. A sign that life continues. Several months ago, that was what I had needed as my birthday felt like a cliff into the abyss.

Now my birthday has come and gone. It slipped by without so much emphasis or fanfare. My husband showed his love in the way only he could, reminding me that I am never forgotten. And you know? That was exactly how it needed to be.

Here is to the next forty years, and the continued journey within this life.