The crash…

The drop…

The shut off…shut down…burn out…

No more….

Stop…

When your brain finally hits the kill switch and tells you…

You’re done…

Those who have gone through this call it by various names depending on how they feel, or the research they have done, or what their community calls it, or just how they identify with it the most. Many groups experience this. Individuals can experience it. The reasons why they go through it varies as much as the diversities of the experiences.

It may look like:

It looks different for everyone.

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I am on the verge of drop. It is funny, looking over the edge into the abyss below. The fade into black that is both welcoming and frightening. I am aware of it only because it is somewhat expected based on the current circumstances. I pushed until I finished my last self imposed duty. Now there will be a transition period of a month where I am not on a contract with anyone.

I can say that my work is finished.

In September 2019 I became a School Psychologist. In March 2020, Covid hit. Since then the world of education has become a battle field with each progressive year becoming more unstable and abnormal despite how hard people fight to return to what once was. My persona but also my core being is to do what I can to the very best of my ability for those around me. Combine that with high empathy and…well…my world has been a kaleidoscope of chaos for the past several years. Adding to this new profession in an unfamiliar world was also the role of Union Vice President in 2021 then President in 2022. Fighting not just for my students but now for my colleagues as we are used, burned through, and pushed beyond our limits. I abhor politics…but …

Had to be me. Someone else might’ve gotten it wrong.

– Mordin Solus, Mass Effect.

In addition to enduring the work load that was equivalent of two full time school psychologists, I took on hours upon hours of union work to support and stand up for my colleagues. Come June 30th I will not be part of that organization. Many said I could have easily just let things slide months ago because what I was fighting for would not impact me. That wasn’t something I could do.

I cultivated aspects of myself I never wanted to have to cultivate.

I intentionally made myself a target to ensure that my peers had a model of how to stand up for our boundaries and to guide any ire away from those who did not have protections. I went against my direct supervisor…professionally….calmly…bluntly…face to face…I refused to back down knowing that what I was fighting for was contractual limits and boundaries that would be the start of protecting my colleagues from being overworked.

Circumstances, as tumultuously as they were, were in our favor.

We won.

Years before, I had worked on developing relationships, friendships, and the understanding that I am there to problem solve and work with others. That energy found the right people on the other side of the table and together we negotiated hard limits that I hope will be the first steps in stopping the bleeding.

Tonight I left my last union meeting with a full executive board, something that was expected not to happen. I met my goals. I left my agency with a full team to support them. I left my agency with guidelines that have a strong shot at easing the burnout.

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A few months ago I fought another drop. Supporting a community due to a horrific death of a teenager left me on the verge of shutting down. I lost many things. My interest and passion in subjects outside of work greatly suffered and has yet to fully return. I was left numb and disconnected when I truly could not afford to be. So I pushed, and fought, and trudged until I made it here. To this date. To this moment.

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Now looking over that abyss I know the drop will come. It is the relief knowing I can let go. It is the fear of how long it will take to come back. I am on the verge of tears from relief…exhaustion…grief…accomplishment. Sleep may take different forms. The past few years it has looked like waking up, wide awake, every few hours. Saying “I slept fine” is when I was only awake between 2 and 4 am instead of other times of the night. My ability to engage in the world around me will alter. Time may fly by in a dissociated haze. Or trudge slowly in agony as my brain attempts to regulate within a world without excessive stress. There is bliss in shutting down. When you shut down, you do not have to tend to anyone else. It’s a forced release of imposed responsibility.

Please, no more for just a moment….

But let it be just a moment…

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To my fellow educators and crisis responders….you made it to today.

Rest now.

You have permission.

Want to know what I was listening too?