Despite the mild intoxication (I mean the poor bottle of soju has been in our fridge for months forgotten…), my review of how this year has been has been a topic in my mind for the past several days.
A year ago I was a horrific mental mess. Dreading the year to come…or rather the first five months of the year. That stopping point…that rush until you skid to a halt at the edge of the abyss…then…well…
Here we are.
I am now officially in my 40s. The day was simultaneously marked with jubilation from within my tiny community. Prior to that I had made a major decision which resulted in a new employer. I must say that my 40s have started off with a decrescendo. Now 7 months and 24 days in and I am only just realizing how crispy I was and how much healing I need to complete.
I attempted right off the bat to take on language courses. Although I completed the Intro to Korean course, learning how to read Hangeul, I ended up dropping out of my Beginning to Korean 1 course. With three courses left I might add. The old me would have never allowed that. I had made it twelve weeks but truthfully at week seven I was overwhelmed. It was a painful note that you cannot just bounce back from the level of chronic stress I was under. I had made the first step into entering a position with good people, applying strong boundaries, and reveling in far less commuting than before. However, the damage it had done to my brain will take more time. My symptoms consist of:
- Constant fatigue that results in 2+ hour naps even if I sleep 7-8 hours. Weekends can look like sleeping for 10-12+ hours.
- Lack of interest and drive in anything that I might have enjoyed in the past.
- Any commitment or responsibility is difficult if not impossible.
The latter mostly due to not having a clear idea of who I am outside of work and partly within work. I have the time to have a life now and I honestly do not know what to do with it nor have the energy or drive to do so. This is far different than depression or anxiety. Those bedfellows I am acquainted with and am on good terms actually. Burn out is entirely different and is not exactly easy to articulate what makes it a unique beast. Perhaps the heaviest burden is the exhaustion and lack of interest. What makes this different than depression is the weight is not there nor the negative thoughts.
When my brain allows, I am now researching how to heal. It comes down to being consciously gentle and forgiving with yourself. This is the exact opposite of the intense productivity mindset and drive that contributed to where I am. Through my meanderings upon the interwebs, the following pieces come up often as part of a healing practice:
- Be patient
- Be forgiving – the process is more important than the outcome
- Set bounardies at work
- Take care of your body whether that is eating, sleeping, or exercising/movement
- Disconnect from screens – specifically social media
- Self reflection such as gratitude or accomplishments
- Create a clear structure of your day
This winter break has been focused on pure disconnect, lack of responsbilities, and a lot of sleep. Thankfully I am afforded two weeks which will allow me to start to impliment some of the pieces above such as structure and a process for self reflection. Although this blog has been a vital aspect of my process this year, I will need to create a daily practice to help remold my neural pathways.
Forgiveness of myself is possibly the most difficult. I must allow myself to take the time I need too in order to eventually live up to the person I wish to be which may not necessarily be who I once was.
This time of the year is set for all of us to reflect and consider who we were a year ago, who we are now, and where we’d like to go.
- What is important to you?
- Who do you want to be a year from now?
- What is the hard decision you need to make that you’ve been avoiding?
- How can you show yourself compassion and forgiveness?
May we all start out this next year a step forward in the direction we are meant to go and forge a new neural mindset that brings us a bit more positive light to our world.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline
SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Featured image used via creative commons by artist thelastwanderer
Into The Ether 