Note: This is a rather long stream of consciousness that will probably have spinoffs later.

**Warning: May (who am I kidding…) WILL contain elements of fangirling or stanning.

Connection.

This overarching theme has impacted my decisions across a swath of my life. It has impacted my disconnection from social media…as well as what I have kept… It has impacted how I handle friendships. Impacted the careers that I have held in my life. Impacted how I see myself and whether or not I have a connection to who I am.

Connection to people is…interesting. For one, due to being highly intuitive, I pick up a lot about people in general. A lot of this comes from survival. If I can understand the other person, then I am safe. I can avoid bullying. I can avoid awkward situations. I can appease a person so they maintain a positive demeaner. (That is called fawning by the way…the distant cousin to fight, flight, or freeze….). Although it is a survival technique, there is genuine care and desire to understand behind this trait. I may joke and say I make people talk so I do not have to, however, I honestly enjoy learning and listening to people. Those probing questions? They are genuine in that I want to know more…and I may also not mind being quiet.

Being highly intuitive (going back to the INFJ…), I am also highly empathetic and feel emotions deeply. Something that I will say I have been plagued with. Yup, that end of the spectrum. One reason I dropped all social media was not only due to the dissociation and doom scrolling, but the desire for actual connection and not finding it. Now that it has been roughly 20ish days since I was on social media, the proverbial itch is gone. What is also gone is the obsession spiraling. I have a fun piece of my brain that gets stuck. It is a need that must be filled. For example, if I hear a song, it will sometimes get stuck. I HAVE to listen to it as the need to do so is overwhelming. So I will play it on repeat to move through that sensation. I love the song. The problem is, it is too much for whatever reason. So, to get my brain to move on and not be considered painful, I have to essentially give myself exposure therapy. I still adore the song afterwards, but the incessant need is gone. Fun, huh?

Here is where the fangirling/stanning comes in. I have no idea if it is related to my “mid life crisis” or just timing, but my brain found a song. Maniac by Stray Kids. The group is Korean, and even though the title is in English, I was hearing the word “brainiac.” Well, that was interesting and my brain decided this was my next obsession spiral. So it was on repeat. Repeated at home. In the car. At work. And since the words were not in my native language, I then had to find the lyrics…which led to the music video…which led into the performances (which I am a sucker for live theatre/musicals)… and damn, my obsession spiral became a whirlpool that dragged me further. I swear…it was as if I was reliving my days fangirling over N’Sync. At least back then I had the reason of teenage hormones. However, the biggest difference? Back in the days of N’Sync the internet was just a baby. I had the TV Guide telling me when their next appearance on cable TV would be and I could record it on a tape with the VCR. I had random articles in Teen Beat or the few interviews I caught before a performance. I swear, if teenage me were alive today, I do not know how I would have survived. Now there is full and complete access to artists. A wealth of information and opportunities to interact that one could dedicate their entire life and not run out of material. On Facebook alone there are dozens of groups devoted to Stray Kids. Fans sharing posts, pictures, or clips from concerts. I once got up the nerve to ask what the age range was of the fans in the group, assuming at my age I was an outlier. Thankfully, there was a positive outcome as that question validated the large group of stays (yes, groups have fan base nicknames), who were my age and older. It led to fan groups that were specific for my age range. Maybe now, some connection. Then I asked a question in one of those messenger chats when someone used an acronym that I confused with another. I was promptly corrected… Now the group that was of same age peers was no longer positive. Of course, this is all in my head, but that makes it no less visceral. Soon after, I disconnected from social media. A combination of lack of true connection and the overwhelming obsession spiraling.

Now, there are two sides of this spiraling. One is actual fangirling. The other is almost an anthropological aspect. Since I did not grow up with the access and platforms fans now have, it is absolutely fascinating to me to watch the interactions between artists and fans now. Part of that anthropological sense is the cultural aspect. One of the reasons why I enjoy watching Chinese, Korean, and Thai shows is that I pick up a great deal about their culture from what I watch. Again…highly intuitive and observant. In todays world, there are fan meets where artists meet one on one with a fan for a very short period of time. Typically face to face, but also now virtual due to the pandemic. There are subscriptions for curated boxes that send swag that includes pictures, items, and autographs. Magazines are now coveted items (unlike Teen Beat that you could pick up at the grocery store on the corner). In China, fans show their celebrities’ their support by mass purchasing the products they do advertising for (everything from water to expensive watches). A boost in those sales equal status for that celebrity. (Why this is and how that relates to the current world in China is for another time). There are now YouTube lives, Vlive (now bought by another company), and something that still absolutely stuns me, private messaging. Yes…there are now apps that allow you to private message and have a conversation with your artist. Good lord…if I could have chatted with Lance Bass as a teenager I do not think I could have focused on anything else. These private messengers are simulated. On the fan end, they look like a chat message between you and the artist. On the artist end, it is a massive group chat. They see everyone and respond to everyone at once. Some artists are very good at writing statements in a way that do enhance the illusion that they are only talking to you. Others talk to the entire group and it seems generally accepted by the fan base. The fangirling part of me finds it amazing that the artist and I are “talking” at the same time. That in that moment, despite the thousands of miles of distance, we are interacting on the same platform. Yes, I did subscribe to two of these platforms. This will lead into the hell that I experienced a short time later…. Bubble and Universe are the two platforms I subscribed too for a month. My curiosity got the better of me. Bubble allows for fans to subscribe to Stray Kids (I follow three members) and other artists. Universe allows fans to subscribe to other K-pop groups but also a few Korean actors. I follow Lee Dong Wook. Both platforms operate differently as do the artists. The three members I subscribe too on Bubble are very active and typically send a message or have a conversation every day or every other day. This may look like “movie nights” where the artist picks a movie and fans watch the same movie and share comments throughout. This may look like an artist sharing their artwork or behind the scenes from photo shoots. Some may share voice memos. Each one is different. Of course, they speak Korean and the translator is….acceptable? Thankfully, one artist is kind enough to write in both Korean and English which makes for comparison to the translation very interesting. This app also limits fan interaction. Fans may only type very short replies, limited to three lines. After that, they must wait for the artist to respond. Universe on the other hand has a different set up. Artists may share photos and videos as well, however, their chat platform does not have a line limit. A fan could type continuously in short sentences for as long as they want….which I did. It became an ether (where I came up with the name of the blog) that I could put my thoughts into with the understanding that he probably would never read them. As a group chat, I can only imagine what a mess this looks like on the artists side. The artist I am subscribe too has a short chat maybe once every few weeks. This platform also has a fan chat where fans can post one limited post per day that other fans can see as well. From what I can observe, artists do not interact on this page. With that background knowledge laid out…lets go to the recent mental hell…

My previous post on shame is directly related to this experience. So, add my desire for connection, need to feel validated and have purpose due to my upcoming 40s, sprinkle in a cup full of shame, and you will have a reaction that mirrors most of my childhood but I can only now start to process.

I started to look for simulated relationships, what they are, and how they impact a person. Turns out there is a term for that…

The phrase of the day is: Parasocial relationships.

Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.

List, S. T. M., Howard University Doctoral Students From Left to Right: Nomi-Kaie Bennett, Students, H. U. D., Bennett, F. L. to R. N.-K., Milan Poindexter Sleep Apnea in Children , Poindexter, M., & Cook, B. L. (2020, February 18). Parasocial relationships: The nature of celebrity fascinations. Find a Psychologist. Retrieved January 16, 2023, from https://www.findapsychologist.org/parasocial-relationships-the-nature-of-celebrity-fascinations/

When I was looking for simulated relationships and then parasocial relationships, I was anticipating reading articles about the harmful effects. If I am looking something up, it is typically from a standpoint of “what the heck is wrong with me?” I was surprised to find that most of the time, these relationships are positive and may help develop your own sense of self and personality. Going back to the private messaging, despite being very aware of the platform and how it is perfectly designed to create these very powerful simulated relationships, I still had a hope to create an actual connection with that artist. As I stated above, I do have a genuine desire to understand and know a person. And who does not want to be that person who stands out from the crowd? Since I do not have social media, quite literally the only connection I have with these artists is a chat window which further simulates any other chat I would have with a friend. So unless they say something, I have zero idea of what is going on in their life. Again, just like any other person in my life. With the overwhelming desire to make an actual connection, despite what my logical brain told me, I chose to explain my intentions of friendship to the artist on Universe, complete with how to contact me. Ok…ok…turn off those sirens and red flashing lights. Yes, I know. What was I thinking? Putting information like that out there…

Then the shame…it hit like a ton of bricks. Thankfully I have read enough to start to understand why I responded the way I did. For me, when I experience shame I shut down and isolate. I deleted every app that had this connection. This isolation spread to everything Korean, then everything foreign. Then anything that was not directly related to anything that would push me beyond my current life. I deleted my platforms that allow for foreign television. I canceled orders for hangul books and language study materials as I had a personal goal of learning Spanish and Korean. Any thoughts of traveling or living in another country became blasphemy. Anything that would even improve my life in the slightest was removed. I was worthless. Why should someone like me consider anything beyond what was around me? I was a horrible person. It was unacceptable to enjoy anything. I was a terrible. What I have now I should not be allowed to have. I fell into a personal hell that included bouts of soul wrenching crying, insomnia and nightmares, and being so closed off that I could turn a room to ice. It took several days before I was able to logically start to process what I was feeling. Shame. Shame that was directly related not only to the topic but also how I grew up. I had such an aggressive reaction because it reminded me of the pain I felt in childhood enjoying something and being utterly ridiculed for it. Wanting desperately to have a true and vulnerable connection with someone but being unable to do so.

Insider fact: I am very good at making friends. Simulated friends. I learned when I was young that I cannot be vulnerable. The second I was, I was often bullied or pitted against someone else. There can be varied responses to this situation. For me, my survival instinct was to become the best person for that individual. Loyal, trustworthy, kind, whatever they needed. You could tell me anything and no one else would ever know. I would be your best friend, because that is what you needed, until you found someone else and moved on. I wanted connection…but would never allow myself to complete that connection and be vulnerable in exchange. There are many positives that came out of this. I do truly care about people. I love to learn about someone and figure out how best to help them. I really can listen to your deepest secrets and not hold a prejudice nor tell anyone else. The downside is I do not trust many with myself. Maybe…three people in my life right now I can be vulnerable with and consider a true connection. My best friend is always asking me to tell her more. This blog is probably more than I have ever told her in person! I will say that the sense of safety was there long before I was able to actually talk about myself. 40ish years of not talking is a hard habit to break. Nevertheless, there is always that needle in the back of the head waiting for the shoe to drop and the relationship to dissolve.

Why is this important? Despite how painful this was and feeling like I was 13 again…it has helped me to start realizing where my shame lies, how I respond to it, and more importantly, that what I enjoy and want to learn about is not, and should not, be shameful. I can enjoy foreign media and learn other languages and not feel guilty, embarrassed, or stupid for enjoying them. I can daydream about living in other countries without feeling like it is stupid if it may not be possible. I can give myself permission to enjoy something and that obsession spiraling can be alright as that is how my brain works. Knowing myself better allows me to navigate those waters in a healthy way.

So now, the apps are back to finish out the subscription. I interact the way I would with any one else in my life. Maybe that realism will prompt an actual connection. If not, at least I am true to myself and my intentions. And maybe my one comment if seen in the vast sea of response will be what they needed in that moment. I am starting to believe that my purpose is to make life a little better for those I interact with. No matter the platform.