The following will contain medical theories. They are in no way scientific nor promote expectations or outcomes for others, nor religious or political views. This is simply my experience.

Several months ago my partner and I decided to change up how we would handle birth control. We have decided for years now that we do not want children. Fostering or adoption is still a possibility, however, biological children is not the path we are taking. My partner decided to have a vasectomy and for the first time in two decades I would no longer be on some form of birth control.

A few weeks ago my husband showed me the following:

My libido changed, which has been revolutionary. Lost 10 lbs, super helpful. 1-2 day periods? Thank you! However, that was all that I had noticed. It wasn’t until my husband showed me the video above and made the subsequent comment that I realized something else. My sudden intense interest in Stray Kids (seen here) was the first time he had noticed me actually be so engaged in a subject. My mouth dropped. I thought back through the past two decades…the last time I was so fully engaged in a subject was in college…before birth control. Holy s&#*!

If you read my post tagged above, you would know of the spiral of hell I went through. I now realize another aspect of it. I have not had such intense feelings in twenty years. I had zero idea how to handle them. I, of course, assumed that they were wrong. I was wrong. I was defective. No! You know what?? Having a passion, hobby, interest, is NORMAL! My previous post makes more sense to me now. I still feel very overwhelmed. I still have those thoughts that this is wrong. However, I do not feel guilty or embarrassed when talking about the random thing I just learned or my impressions to my husband. I realize that he does the same with his own interests but did not understand what that was like. I believe that the intensity will shift as I understand my renewed set of senses. Despite the anguish, the intensity is refreshing. It has that sense of mania that I no longer have due to medications. It has a sharpness that I haven’t felt in decades. It actually gives me some hope. Albet a sliver.

I am still very cautious about disassociating and losing myself for hours. I only just reconnected YouTube this morning and blinked…twenty minutes flew by in a flash. That is what I do not want happening. That is me avoiding my life…at least…that is what I am feeling it is. YouTube might get disconnected again…