Reflection of the Past – Turtle – “This card represents the peacemaker, diplomat, and ally. In comparison to the heron card, which symbolizes inner peace, this card encourages peace and friendship with others. The sea turtle is the natural gardener, grazing on seagrass which house aquatic life, feeds other sea creatures, and allows space for underwater animals to breed, nest, and hide. This card encourages a peaceful environment where others around you may flourish. It asks you to work with others to maintain peace and cooperation” (Catris, 2001, pg 114).

Reading – Peace (Turtle) in Shadow: “Chaos can rise and imbalance may rear its head. A calm sea can become a tempest and it can be difficult to navigate. You cannot solve everyone’s problems and it is not your responsibility to do so. Be wary of trying to play peacemaker to those around you if they will not listen to reason, or if it is harmful to yourself. Know when to walk away” (Catris, 2001, pg 115).

Reflection of the Present – Owl – “This card represents wisdom and learning. In ancient Greece, the owl was associated with Athena, the goddess of wisdom. The owl card is the sage, the teacher, the mentor, and the shaman. This card encourages reasoning and deep understanding; organization and analysis; thought and consideration” (Catris, 2001, pg 84).

Reading – Wisdom (Owl) in Shadow: “When wisdom and experience go ignored, the battle is lost. The owl card may represent distorted fact and stubborn belief. The shadow of the owl card might also warn you of ignorance and foolishness within yourself or others” (Catris, 2001, pg 85).

Reflection of the Future – Cat – “This card represents mystery and magick. From the animal familiars of European folklore and witchcraft, to the totems and spirit animals of shamanic practice and many North American Indigenous cultures, people the world over have viewed animals as guides into the realm of magick and the inner workings of the soul. This card symbolizes a gateway into magick, mystery, or dream, whether that manifests through faith, spirituality or magickal practice” (Catris, 2001, pg 36).

Reading – Mystery (Cat) in Shadow: “On the surface, the shadow reading of this card may warn you of ill omens, malicious individuals, or ill wishes. The black cat has often been maligned by folklore and Christian history as a portent of bad luck and evil. This is primarily a result of the demonization of cats as witches’ familiars during the European and early American witch trials, and has sadly endured as a superstition today. The shadow meaning of this card may warn you against seeing misfortune or curses where there are none. Superstitions can be a simple coincidence, and bad luck does not necessarily indicate a curse” (Catris, 2001, pg 37).

Catris, A. (2001). Wild Mystic Oracle Guidebook. Peter Pauper Press, Inc. White Plains, New York.

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I do not practice tarot often. It is not a part of any faith or spirituality that I hold. I utilize the practice as a guide for deeper reflection when I have a question or topic that is spinning in my mind. The descriptions of the cards creates a thread that I may travel to see where my mind naturally goes within the interpretation.

For this reading, my intention was work. Tomorrow I start my new job within a new district. I am flooded with energies from excitement to anxiety. Considering all of my cards are in shadow, you can probably guess where on that energy spectrum I am living in the most.

The reading regarding the past directly ties with my role at my previous employer and that it had reached a point where I needed to walk away. I had done what I could and I now had to consider my own needs. This reading was straight forward and certainly made me consider the next two cards with a bit more weight.

The reading regarding my present is fascinating in that I rely on my experience and wisdom for my job. Within my field in general, stubbornness and distorted fact are common place. When working with passionate individuals and families it is inevitable that paradigms and perspectives crash into each other. This reading reminds me that I have the experience. I have the wisdom. I need to trust in myself, the data, and best practices to support my students. However, I also need to be mindful of getting in my own way.

The reading regarding my future is far more fluid and abstract. I interpret it as remembering to go with the flow. To take each experience, positive or negative, as the next step of my journey. It may feel uncomfortable or painful, but that does not necessarily mean ill will. Direct in my future, I know I will run into situations that are unfamiliar, that I do not understand, and will make me question myself and my abilities. This is a reminder that these opportunities for growth do not mean that I have failed.

Much of the anxiety stems from decompressing over the past month. As my partner reminded me, I have not had a summer since high school. I have worked every summer in some fashion up until now. It has been very difficult for me to sit with boredom. To sit with stillness. To not have a need to be rushing to the next thing or putting out a fire. It is a sensation that is very uncomfortable for me and clearly one I need to breathe into. It also made me realize how much of an impact my previous ten years has had on me and that a major reason I survived as long as I had was due to my knowledge of the system. I knew who to talk too. I knew how to do multiple jobs across the agencies. I knew my resources. That knowledge of course allowed me to do my job, but also was a resiliency factor to keep me going in a situation that no longer served my wellbeing. Tomorrow I start in a system that, though I have worked in tandem with, I do not know. That is terrifying. My anxiety shows me the worst and this time I do not have the agency knowledge.

It is funny…I was always so used to moving jobs every three years. Switching jobs, agencies, careers, states…countries. I always regarded the next opportunity with excitement. Much like my younger self who could not wait for the first day of school. Is it due to being stagnant for ten years? To become familiar with something made it harder to step out of my comfort zone? It makes me wonder if the constant change and challenge was growth or a coping skill. Was I learning about myself or avoiding? If stillness is so uncomfortable, then I am leaning towards coping…avoiding. We all have coping skills. Some are positive. Some are negative. Either way, they are things we do to help us process or deal with whatever is going on in our lives. I am not sure if I was running away, running towards, or on some switch back that had me going in all sorts of directions…but I am choosing to focus on this step as running towards something.

I just need to remember that it is ok to take a seat on a bench every so often and enjoy the view, embrace the stillness, and take in the journey.

Good Bones 
BY MAGGIE SMITH

Life is short, though I keep this from my children.

Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine

in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,

a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways

I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least

fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative

estimate, though I keep this from my children.

For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.

For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,

sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world

is at least half terrible, and for every kind

stranger, there is one who would break you,

though I keep this from my children. I am trying

to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,

walking you through a real shithole, chirps on

about good bones: This place could be beautiful,

right? You could make this place beautiful.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/89897/good-bones